It should come as no surprise that America has devolved into a nation of perverts.
Whereas the Baby Boomers had a relative paucity of sexual aggravants to contend with – the Land 'o Lakes girl, for example, or the occasional naked paper doll – kids today are assaulted with a nonstop onslaught of titillating images from the boner billboards flying by the school bus window to the winking cocks posing as camels on the cover of the Aladdin DVD. Yes, fine, congratulations Tom Brokaw – you and your Greatest Generation aren’t as compulsive consumers of pornography. Bravisse! Then again, how likely were you to stumble on a free preview of Shaving Ryan’s Privates or Kate-19: The Bonermaker? Surely you would've been equally unmarried and unmotivated well into your thirties if Youporn.com was up and running during your patriotic adolescence. Youporn: where the only barrier to a masturbation marathon of epic proportions is the honor system. (Of course a 14-year-old would be too honorable to click "Yes, I am 18 years old" in order to trespass in that land of orgiastic virtual vice. ... Oh shit, wait a minute! – 14-year-olds have no honor!!)
All that aside, it has come to our attention that big shit American toy manufacturers (or “Big Toy”, as they will henceforth be known) are peddling their wares to ever-younger targets in a bid to expedite the subliminal introduction of children to their private parts. A recent trip to The Farmers Market at Los Angeles’ The Grove shopping center yielded the above image – and confirmed that Big Toy will stop at nothing to lead our youth into the dribbling jaws of mortal sin.**
As you can see, their techniques are hardly subtle (unless you’re 5 years old – and, as luck would have it, that's exactly the market they're going for). Take the Pound-A-Ball Activity Set. (Really? Really??) Or the cleverly-named 26” Hoppity Ball, with its brightly sinister tagline, ‘Hop ‘til You Drop!?’ (Indeed.) The See Me Tepee, which stealthily suggests a depraved act commonly known as the "Golden Showers", is equally disgusting.
Much like the Scientologists, the folks over at Big Toy have been hiding right out in the open – moving among us with the confidence that we won’t call them out on the secret evils they have wrought.
That is, until now.
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** Yes, mortal sin! After weighing all the evidence, the sin aficionados over at The Catholic Church came to the conclusion that self-sex and premarital sex are but two sides of the same burning arrow pointing straight down to Hades. A conclusion that led this particular Catholic to wonder (out loud, to a room full of plaid-clad high school classmates and one very outraged nun): "Then what the hell have I been wasting my time for??"
Last Friday we checked in to a tony new resort in Palos Verdes, California for the holiday weekend. Later that evening (after fueling up on fire water in the hot tub), we were poised to drunk-dive into the empty swimming pool when a young man in a monogrammed polo shirt appeared and informed us, in the soberest of tones, that the pool was closed for the rest of the day. Why? Well -- "There was an accident."
