Candopoly
Mon, October 6, 2008 For approximately $23 billion - or 3% of what it will cost to bail out our economy - candy behemoth Mars Inc. has closed a deal to acquire Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co., the Chicago-based purveyor of cardboard-tasting stick gum.
Now, there's nothing inherently funny about a candy company buying a gum company -- trust me, I've tried to find something -- but what is funny is Cnn.com's coverage of the announcement. Join me in mocking the eminently mockable:
1. PHOTO
The CNN article is accompanied by the photo at left, in which a pack of Wrigley's and a pack of Orbit are shown nestled in a pile of M&Ms like two toddlers in the plastic balls at Chuck E. Cheese. Those packs of chewing gum look like they never had it so good. And in case the photo might strike the average reader as in any way unclear or ambiguous as to subject or implication, the photo is flanked by the following caption: "Wrigley's Big Red and Orbit chewing gums are shown with M&Ms."
Stand down, Captain Obvious! But, if I may, the caption isn't the best part of the photo. The best part of the photo is thinking about the fact that the Associated Press, upon the announcement of the Mars-Wrigley acquisition, scurried to find a relevant image to accompany its article -- and this is what they came up with.
I wonder if there was any in-fighting among the folks at AP or CNN as to which products to display in the photograph. Was there even the tiniest contingent pulling for a sprinkling of Skittles among the M&Ms? Did an alternate version circulate in which a Mars Bar and a pack of Wrigley's Spearmint stood opposed, Face/Off style, in a sea of red Starburst? These are mysteries about which we can never really know.
The Associated Press school of illustration does lend itself to provocative speculation as to how other mergers might be photographically represented.
Exxon Mobil and Conagra? Chef Boyardee with an oil mustache.
Barnes & Noble and McDonalds? A fat person reading.
Proctor & Gamble and Heinz? Diapers filled with ketchup.
Read on:
2. ARTICLE
Under the headline "Mars, Wrigley create candy giant," the article states:
The deal brings together household names: Wrigley, a landmark in Chicago where the company began in 1891, and Mars, the privately held maker of Snickers and Skittles and M&Ms -- the candy-coated chocolates that are the world's best-selling chocolate candy brand.This passage raises a couple key questions for me.
One is, of course, whether the term "M&Ms" requires definition. From where I stand, anyone who doesn't know what an M&M is should be permanently left in the dark - possibly even left for dead. Such a person deserves neither an explanation nor a vote in the upcoming election.
My second question is: how can M&Ms be the best-selling candy brand in the world? I mean, is there some kind of M&Ms surplus, a la corn? Are thousands of silos throughout the Midwest silently teaming with M&Ms that we just have to unload on the world market in order to serve the inexplicable end of keeping the M&M crop afloat? Because, let's face it (together, in this time of crisis): M&Ms suck. Twix blows doors on M&Ms every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Even a stale, dusty old Twix pulled from the armpit of a convenience store with no air conditioning is better than the best M&M that ever was. But it's not hard to kick the crap out of M&Ms. Almost every candy does -- with the exception of Smarties, Pez, and Mounds.
In all fairness, I should address my gripe to the people who actually buy M&Ms, and not the poor hapless writer covering the sugar beat for the Associated Press. It's not nameless, faceless his/her fault that shitty old M&Ms make their mediocre way into more households around the world than any other candy.
Though -- not to beat a dead horse, but -- I haven't been so disappointed in consumer choices since Orange County Register readers voted The Olive Garden the number one Italian restaurant in Orange County. That I no longer live in Orange County is not a coincidence.
(To read the original CNN article, click here)
Reader Comments (5)
Sweet.
John
Bittersweet.
Peanut M&Ms are one of my all-time favorites. Perhaps they should have included "that are made more awesome with peanuts in them."
Also, I'm guessing kids (candy's main target ) eat a lot of M&Ms given their cleanliness and comfortable size.
AND you can't forget the fact that peope buy M&Ms just because. They fill Easter baskets, adorn gingerbread homes, get thrown in with Valentine's cards, and the biggie ... Are given out at Halloween. People don't buy candy for the trick-or-treaters that they'd eat themselves.So Mars managed to make a candy no one really likes the top-selling candy by finding uses for it unrelated to consumption by the buyer. Sheer genius.
i didn't know people had such disdain for M&Ms. I agree that regular M&Ms don't exactly knock most peoples' socks off, but peanut butter M&Ms??? Genius - proving once again that peanut butter and chocolate are meant to be together. Now, whether or not they can topple the mastery that is Twix (or Reese's peanut butter cups for that matter) is a separate issue all together...
La Ling, it looks like this subject may deserve another post? Perhaps an all-out survey? :)
The Olive Garden IS the best. ever.