No Pressure!
Tue, October 7, 2008 
Talk about peaking early! Matani Shakya, age 3, has officially been declared a "living goddess."
Priests and leaders in her native Nepal, acting in the name of sacred tradition and acute collective psychosis, selected Matani for her auspicious horoscope; perfect hair, eyes, and teeth; absence of scars (bodily scars; the mental scars come later); and for her apparent lack of fear of the dark. To further test that final criterion, Matani was left to spend the night alone in a room filled with the heads of goats and buffaloes that had been ritualistically slaughtered. Really. I think it's safe to say that Matani's ordeal makes Sarah Palin's flute-playing look like . . . flute-playing. But that's why Matani gets to be a goddess; you don't become a deity by playing a musical instrument at an eighth grade level.
And what does a living goddess get for her troubles? At the time of this writing, Matani, along with a retinue of miniature wooden animals and imaginary friends, is en route to her new home in Katmandu's most ancient temple. There, Matani will live in relative isolation until her first menstruation strips her of her divine status, making room for the next toddler-deity to take her place. As an added bonus, Nepalese legend has it that any man who marries a former living goddess is fated for an early grave.
Human rights activists -- the annoying kind, the kind that are usually right and almost always unattractive -- are, understandably, all panty-knotted and pissed off over this practice. At the very least, the U.S. should send a delegation comprised of Tatum O'Neal, Danny Bonaduce, and Gary Coleman to help ease Matani through the transition from overrated youth to mentally ill mortal. I think we owe her that much.
(Image via cnn.com)
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Reader Comments (1)
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