Staring Contest: True Blood v. Twilight

In today's Hollywood Reporter, a woman writing under the pseudonym "Kirk Honeycutt" submitted a relatively gracious review of tomorrow's wetly anticipated release, Twilight.

One line of Honeycutt's review got us thinking about that other new-fangled* vampire phenomenon, HBO's True Blood:

Operas have arias; "Twilight" has stares.

Haha!! We haven't seen Twilight (yet), but based on the hours we've spent masturbating to the trailer, we can't say we're surprised to learn that the movie has a staring problem.

Know what else has a staring problem? Come on, shout 'em out if you know 'em! That's right, you discerning readers, you guessed it: True Blood.

True Blood has the worst staring problem in the world. (NB: True Blood sucks. And not in that fun, first date kind of way.)

If you've seen it, you know what we're talking about--long, lingering, endless wide shots of the tight-pantsed, puffy-shirted, leather-faced "hot" vampire staring creepily at the object of his obsession: sputtering, gap-toothed, yella-haired Sookie Stackhouse. Cross-cut to extreme close-ups of the "hot" (and by "hot," we mean "disgusting") vampire's craggy face, smoldering with the sort of Mr. Rogersy, I'll-take-the-rapists-for-a-thousand stare that makes you want to retire to the bathroom for a good, long, Crying Game-esque shower. Even more outrageous are the back-and-forth shots of Sookie and No-stare-atu, ostensibly looking deep into each other's souls with swoon-worthy passion and intensity--but, in actuality, butterfly-kissing each other's pores, only millimeters away from a full-on nose-joust. Even the Care Bears didn't stare this much.

We look forward to watching Twilight (after the plague of teenage girls passes through this weekend), and will keep you posted on the outcome of the Twilight/True Blood staring contest in the days and weeks to come.

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*Get it? FANG-led? These are the kind of cheap, schmucky vampire puns that most Twilight-reviewers can't seem to stay away from.

Comments

[maddy]

lol

[Shannon]

I laughed so hard it made my gallbladder hurt more, thanks a lot

[Anonymous]

What about the twats on The Hills? All they do is stare...vacantly. I imagine the stares in Twilight, and even in True Blood, are more"pregnant" in nature.

[Cam]

True Blood really does blow.