During a recent (and purely salutary) stay at the superlative Cabo Azul Resort -- conscientious rapper Common was also present, with a shapely lady friend in tow -- The Daily Doo watched in horror as spoiled, undeservedly wealthy young couples shared precious moments with their Huggied infants in each of the hotel's three exquisite infinity pools. Effectively, these people are teaching their children a very important lesson: that the world is, indeed, their toilet. And where we come from, that shit just don't play.
Like many of you, we were relegated to a baby pool until our sphincter muscles were sufficiently developed that we wouldn't inadvertently take a dump in our bathing suits. Call us old-fashioned, but if you're wearing a diaper, you don't get to swim in an infinity pool. You get to swim in a baby pool, a bath tub, or a body of water large enough to dilute whatever accidents you are sure to have in your disposable pants. You'll have plenty of time to swim in the adult pool, where you can do all of the alcohol-induced peeing your continent heart desires (it's the perfect crime). In the meantime, use this as a motivation to sit on the potty like a big girl or boy and dream of bigger things.
Years ago, our Aunt Virginia kept a sign nailed to the wooden fence next to her above-ground pool. The sign read, simply: "Please don't pee in our pool; we don't swim in your toilet." Substitute "smash your diaper" for "pee", and the message is three times as true.
Wherever your travels take you this non-holiday season, if your child wears diapers, please be responsible. Everyone around you will know what horrors may lurk in your precious baby's poo-pants -- and, without being too presumptuous, I think it's safe to say that they would prefer not to spend their vacation steeping in it.
For the rest of you: happy new year!