Over 15 bear-related incidents have been reported in the state of Colorado since May, prompting officials to declare this year's bear season the worst in over ten years.
Or is it?
While some Coloradoans are calling for a reduction in the bear population and others blame fellow high country residents for failing to take adequate bear precautions, another group has stepped forward to tell a different side of the story: the bears themselves. And they are not happy.
"Look, I'm not saying we didn't do any of it," said a spokesman for the bear community, who chose to remain anonymous (in part because he has no name). Flipping through a list of recent headlines, the bear growled and defecated - significantly - on the ground. "'Pepsi-Craving Bear Breaks Into Beaver Creek Bar?'...'Bear Breaks Into Home For Biscotti?'... 'Former Anchor's Cookies Attract Second Bear?' Are you shitting me?"
When asked to speculate on the actual perpetrator of these and other food-related offenses, the bear cited the burgeoning stoner population comprised of off-season ski instructors and idle college kids on summer vacation. "When a bear breaks into a home, he eats your face. He doesn't f--k around with pop and biscotti," he stated.
"Nope. That's got stoner written all over it."
The bear's tone became more contrite when he acknowledged his species' responsibility for a handful of the incidents reported. "'Woman Slashed In Unprovoked Bear Attack' ... 'Bear Breaks Into Home, Terrorizes Family' ... 'Woman Attacked, Killed By Bear' ... 'Bears Smell Dinner, Take Bite of Harley' ... yep, those were ours."
"Sorry about the violence. And the hog," he added.
But the bear also pointed out that many of the bear-related incidents were neutral or even humorous. "'Boulder Man Watching TV Didn't Know Bear Was Inside House.' That's kinda funny," he observed, pissing audibly.
Another article, 'Bouncing Bear Breaks Trampoline', drew unexpected chuckles from the bear. "That was actually me," he admitted sheepishly (for a bear).
The most recent bear sighting occurred on August 26 in the Colorado ski resort town of Snowmass, where a bear became trapped in a sunken skateboard park and climbed a ladder to safety. When told that officials from the Parks and Recreation Department had placed the ladder there to facilitate the rescue, the bear expressed optimism about the future of human-bear relations.
"Hearing a report like that makes me feel good about not slicing your stomach open with my claws and devouring your intestines," the bear mused. "What - not cool?"