NB: You may want to turn the volume down on this one.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Click here to vote on or send La Ling's newest subversive masterpiece.

Word.

The Daily Doo celebrates its first birthday today.

In just one short year, we are proud to have attracted a small but die-hard following of at least 5 people -- not to mention the scores of accidental readers who google "diaper", "Jennifer Love Huge-Tits" or "Scooby Doo" and find themselves on our site.  Thank you all!  As for our Facebook referrals: we salute all the folks who take at least ten seconds to peruse our home page before out-clicking to Perezhilton.com.  You guys are great.

So what can you expect from The Doo's second year?  Our dedicated readers should know the answer to this one: absolutely nothing.  But you can certainly hope for the following:

• exclusive interviews with famous people
• funny videos we found before you did
• invective/sh!t talk about the latest pop culture phenomena
• tips on what not to do, wear, or think 
• steaming hot scatological references
• at least one post that makes at least one reader piss his/her pants - even if just a drop
• at least one post that results in a lucrative writing deal for La Linguetta

Thanks again for reading, and a big fat Happy Birthday to Us!!

Or is it?

While some Coloradoans are calling for a reduction in the bear population and others blame fellow high country residents for failing to take adequate bear precautions, another group has stepped forward to tell a different side of the story: the bears themselves.  And they are not happy.

"Look, I'm not saying we didn't do any of it," said a spokesman for the bear community, who chose to remain anonymous (in part because he has no name).  Flipping through a list of recent headlines, the bear growled and defecated - significantly - on the ground.  "'Pepsi-Craving Bear Breaks Into Beaver Creek Bar?' 'Bear Breaks Into Home For Biscotti?' 'Former Anchor's Cookies Attract Second Bear?'  Are you shitting me?"

When asked to speculate on the actual perpetrator of these and other food-related offenses, the bear cited the burgeoning stoner population comprised of off-season ski instructors and idle college kids on summer vacation.  "When a bear breaks into a home, he eats your face. He doesn't f--k around with pop and biscotti," he stated.

"Nope. That's got stoner written all over it."

The bear's tone became more contrite when he acknowledged his species' responsibility for a handful of the incidents reported.  "'Woman Slashed In Unprovoked Bear Attack' ... 'Bear Breaks Into Home, Terrorizes Family' ... 'Woman Attacked, Killed By Bear' ... 'Bears Smell Dinner, Take Bite of Harley' ... yep, those were ours."

"Sorry about the violence.  And the hog," he added.

But the bear also pointed out that many of the bear-related incidents were neutral or even humorous.  "'Boulder Man Watching TV Didn't Know Bear Was Inside House.'  That's kinda funny," he observed, pissing audibly.  Another article, 'Bouncing Bear Breaks Trampoline', drew unexpected chuckles from the bear.  "That was actually me," he admitted sheepishly (for a bear).

The most recent bear sighting occurred on August 26 in the Colorado ski resort town of Snowmass, where a bear became trapped in a sunken skateboard park and climbed a ladder to safety.  When told that officials from the Parks and Recreation Department had placed the ladder there to facilitate the rescue, the bear expressed optimism about the future of human-bear relations.

"Hearing a report like that makes me feel good about not slicing your stomach open with my claws and devouring your intestines," the bear mused.  "What - not cool?"

Via Flickr user lemonysarah

Just kidding. Here's what the researchers actually found:

1.  Men spend an average of 13 hours a week on household chores -- a 7-hour increase from the men of 1976.

Unfortunately . . .

2.  Men also create 7 hours of housework for women each week.  Much of this extra housework is described by the U. Mich researchers as "emotional labor" -- things like buying birthday cards, planning vacations, making dinner reservations and scheduling doctor appointments.

So what does this mean for women?

Well, as usual, women are fucked.  As one Daily Doo reader tells it:

[My husband] cleans the kitchen a couple times a week - which is great, don't get me wrong.  But if you saw the faces he pulls while he's doing it you'd think I was running a one-man gulag.  Sometimes I'll call him Cinderfella, or I'll ask him: "why the long face?"  Which is actually really mean of me because his face is kinda freakishly long.  His parents used to call him Horsehead.

Yes, as men look back on the days when their fathers sat expectantly at the head of the table while they had their meat cut up for them - the days when wives beamed with pride and lavished praise if their husbands managed to direct their pee stream directly into the toilet bowl - women are still doing the same amount of housework as before, but with less of the credit.  Ain't them the breaks?

But the good news is that women in all professions are finally being paid the same as their male counterparts.

Oh no, wait a minute. Shit. They aren't.

In fact, if anyone out there from "Willis" is reading this: we fart in your general direction. And that building you paid millions of dollars to get your name on? We're still calling it the Sears Tower. So there.