Lambert the Great

"People stared at the makeup on his face. Laughed at his long black hair; his animal grace . . . "

Everything about Adam Lambert is so evocative. Here, fresh from a visit to the Scientology Center, Adam gives geek fanboys a little Battlefield Earth-slash-Lady Stardust to masturbate to. Even regular people who have never played Wow and D&D can appreciate this outfit: plucked, as it were, from Michael Jackson's closet (by way of The Neverending Story Pt. 1 and Lite-Brite).

But from these heights, how the mighty shall fall! Anyone who saw the Top 13 lip-synching Pink's "So What" in their matching white outfits during Wednesday's finale can attest: the American Idol tour will be a Milli Vanilla celebration of bad taste, danced to the rhythm of Brady-era choreography. And for what he is about to suffer, we must all keep Adam in our prayers.

No Boundaries: Doo Not

Even Adam Lambert couldn't save "No Boundaries".

Media outlets are already calling it "a titanic mound of turgid clichés" (MTV News), "Kara's mess" (The Village Voice), and a "bloated corpse" that threatened to turn the Idol finale into "some kind of torture-porn horror flick" (Entertainment Weekly). One writer had "trouble believing it wasn't ripped off from the soundtrack of Team America: World Police" (Celebuzz).

As for our opinion?

Derivative masturbatory tripe. A very special kind of crap - the kind that mysteriously has corn in it when you haven't eaten any corn. Or it could be likened to a stranger's fart in close quarters: at first you think you're smelling food from some unseen cafeteria; then you realize there is no cafeteria. Desperate. A desperate diaper.

If for no other reason than an appreciation for the shortness of life, we will stop here.

Adam Lambert: Gay Messiah?

Just throwing it out there.