The Cone Zone (or "Why Me?")

This one goes out to the target marketers at Google, whose advert algorithm delivered a curious link to the margin of my Gmail screen - a link to "the official website from the makers of The Cone". A link to: The Cone Zone.

Exactly how many dirty Gchats did I have to send? How many porn distribution lists did I have to run? How many cocks, clits and quimbys had to show up in my mailbox before I became a likely out-click to purveyors of the pink, "partially penetrative" adult toy (pictured beneath the blasé gentleman at left) that promises to have you "rocking, humping, and gyrating like a slag in a nightclub" ??

The Cone Zone is not shy about tooting its own cone. Per TCZ, purchasing this "adult toy with style" may cause "absent days from work" or an "advert in the paper broadcasting that your family have reported you missing." With so many "serving suggestions" (the  shadowy Times-reader above is just one of the website's graphic illustrations), I can only imagine how many people have packed up their cones and fled south for some warm, secluded locale where the lust between a human and a cone can be, if not accepted, at least tolerated and understood.

In the end, I have to give it to Google - they were right about the clicking habits of La Linguetta. My cone and I are forever grateful.

Update on Fri, May 14, 2010 by La Linguetta

In anticipation of Pride Month, we note that the pink triangle is also a gay rights symbol, though one of grim origin - in Nazi concentration camps, homosexual men were forced to wear an inverted pink triangle (or upside-down cone, if you prefer) to self-identify. Per Wikipedia, pink was traditionally a 'masculine' color (as a derivative of red). Thus, the gay pink triangle was not meant to symbolize the femininity of the wearer; rather, it served as a method of sorting gay men "with their kind" (the Jews wore similar badges in yellow). Wonder if The Cone Zone customers are aware that they're coning themselves to climax on a hard-won symbol of Gay Pride?

American Toymakers 'R Stealing Our Innocents

 

It should come as no surprise that America has devolved into a nation of perverts.

Whereas the Baby Boomers had a relative paucity of sexual aggravants to contend with – the Land 'o Lakes girl, for example, or the occasional naked paper doll – kids today are assaulted with a nonstop onslaught of titillating images from the boner billboards flying by the school bus window to the winking cocks posing as camels on the cover of the Aladdin DVD. Yes, fine, congratulations Tom Brokaw – you and your Greatest Generation aren’t as compulsive consumers of pornography. Bravisse! Then again, how likely were you to stumble on a free preview of Shaving Ryan’s Privates or Kate-19: The Bonermaker? Surely you would've been equally unmarried and unmotivated well into your thirties if Youporn.com was up and running during your patriotic adolescence. Youporn: where the only barrier to a masturbation marathon of epic proportions is the honor system. (Of course a 14-year-old would be too honorable to click "Yes, I am 18 years old" in order to trespass in that land of orgiastic virtual vice. ... Oh shit, wait a minute! – 14-year-olds have no honor!!)

All that aside, it has come to our attention that big shit American toy manufacturers (or “Big Toy”, as they will henceforth be known) are peddling their wares to ever-younger targets in a bid to expedite the subliminal introduction of children to their private parts. A recent trip to The Farmers Market at Los Angeles’ The Grove shopping center yielded the above image – and confirmed that Big Toy will stop at nothing to lead our youth into the dribbling jaws of mortal sin. *

As you can see, their techniques are hardly subtle (unless you’re 5 years old – and, as luck would have it, that's exactly the market they're going for). Take the Pound-A-Ball Activity Set. (Really? Really??) Or the cleverly-named 26” Hoppity Ball, with its brightly sinister tagline, ‘Hop ‘til You Drop!?’ (Indeed.) The See Me Tepee, which stealthily suggests a depraved act commonly known as the "Golden Showers", is equally disgusting.

Much like the Scientologists, the folks over at Big Toy have been hiding right out in the open – moving among us with the confidence that we won’t call them out on the secret evils they have wrought.

That is, until now.

_{______________________________________________}

* Yes, mortal sin! After weighing all the evidence, the sin aficionados over at The Catholic Church came to the conclusion that self-sex and premarital sex are but two sides of the same burning arrow pointing straight down to Hades. A conclusion that led this particular Catholic to wonder (out loud, to a room full of plaid-clad high school classmates and one very outraged nun): "Then what the hell have I been wasting my time for??"

YIS: The New Singelringen?

It's getting harder and harder for singles to find each other in the wild. But now, thanks to an Australian entrepreneur who boldly ventured where Singelringen went two years ago, singles everywhere are shouting a new anthem: YIS ("Yes, I am Single")!!

Take a look at the lady with the camel toe and the gay gentleman on the left. See that little blue thing they're wearing over their chest pectoralis muscles? That's YIS! And for just $22.95, you, too, can own a button that says you're as single as your judgment is bad.

While there is no wrong way to wear a YIS - much as there is no wrong definition of 'chode' - the website handily suggests a few right ways to YIS on yourself. Like:

Why not try wearing the badge in a group situation at the local pub or during a hens and bucks night?

Well, shit dog! If it's good for a hens and bucks night, we know we'll get some use out of it 2-3 nights a week. At least.

For more information about YIS, place your hand in a bowl of warm water overnight. The next morning, place your soiled sheets in the toilet and set them on fire as the sweet, sweet sounds of John Tesh fill your apartment. (You live alone, right?) If, after all of that, you are still interested in purchasing a YIS, start taking self defense classes and click here.

Snuggie: "Use Your Hands"

If you've already seen commercials for the Snuggie™, then you'll understand why anyone who hasn't heard of the Snuggie™ must be told about it immediately.

While the Snuggie™ is hardly as rare and obscure a find as the Singelringen™ (click here for more on that one), we believe it is important to recognize any company that can take a stupid product that has no right to succeed and sell it with a magically un-ironic commercial that made us choke from shouting so many "that's what she saids" in so short a span.

So what is a Snuggie™? Well, for starters, here's a picture:

And here's what the Snuggie™ website has to say:

Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside. The Snuggie™ keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands. Work the remote, use your laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort!

Could there be anything we might say to improve upon this? Might we point out the obsession Snuggie™ seems to have with hands? The freedom to use your hands?! We weren't even aware that such freedoms were at risk. Might we detract from the Snuggie™ by further pointing out that bathrobes, coats, sweatshirts, blankets, and basically anything one could possibly conceive of using to cover one's body, would also give us the freedom to use our hands?!

Nope, our first instincts were right - we can't do it any better.

That's what she said.

Pinnocchios: Doo!

Save 10% on all Pinnocchios
Originally uploaded by linguetta

A Santa Barbara shop specializing in pottery, trinkets, and religious paraphernalia has responded to the recession by offering a 10% discount on the price of all Pinnocchios. No word yet on how this decision will affect the already-saturated global Pinnocchio market; however, our sources in Washington report that the US government may be poised to take over the production and sale of all Pinnocchios moving forward. Indeed, entertainment behemoth and up-your-ass-sunshine-blower, Disney, with its 1940 animated feature, Pinocchio, recently released from the Disney vault, may be hardest hit by the glut of Pinnocchios/Pinocchios.

As we continue to keep our finger on the pulse of this story, we urge readers to run - not walk - to Santa Barbara's State Street to take advantage of the largest Pinnocchio price reduction on US soil.

Singles: We're OK!

I was browsing through LA's new single-centric magazine, Singular, when I came across the answer to my most fervent prayers:

Singelringen: The world's first ring for single people!

Hands shaking, heart soaring -- could this be the eve of my liberation? -- I located the Singelringen website, and this clarion call for ringless singles everywhere:

By wearing your Singelringen, you declare that it is OK to be single. You may wish to find "the one", or you maybe quite satisfied with life as it is. Regardless, you will show to everyone that you accept and stand for what you are - an attractive single. As a single person, you are on your own, but you are not alone - there are many of us around the world. We should stand up for what we are - we are always more attractive to others when we are comfortable with our single status. Dare to be a proud single!

YES! Finally, at long last, yes!

But wait -- do any celebrities endorse Singelringen? Because, as "OK" as it is to be single, I'm not taking it public with myself until I know that someone better and cooler has prepared the way for my SinglePower. And lo and behold, there are celebrities who have actually gone there.

Jennifer Love Huge-Tits, for one, is a proud member of the Singelringen community:


Paula Abdul too!

Could the evidence be any more overwhelming? After all, it's never been harder to tell whether that attractive stranger in the bar is single or attached (it would be so gauche to steal a glance at their finger or, God forbid, ask).

Show your pride that no one has asked you to marry them -- or that you prefer to live alone with your cats -- and buy your Singelringen today!

(Images via Singelringen)