MASH-UP: The Factor/The View

On last night's Factor, Bill O'Reilly hosted Frank Luntz, self-professed communications expert and author of Words that Work. Luntz ran a tape of McCain and Obama's visits to that bastion of integrity and critical thinking, The View. An undulating line at the bottom of the screen (much like a heart monitor) showed the rise and fall of female viewers' opinions of each candidate over the course of his time with Barbara, Whoopie, Elisabeth, Joy, and that other lady whose name always escapes me.

Let's take a look at the results:

THE OBAM-METER

The following words made Obama's stock plummet:

1. "Brad Pitt." It started when Joy Behar, twirling her hair and leaning precariously close (with the journalistic reserve of a 12-year-old girl talking to a Jonas Brother), asked Obama if Brad Pitt is really his cousin. No sooner had "Brad Pitt" left her mouth*, when the Obameter made like Greg Louganis and took a dive. Obama, to his credit, looked extremely uncomfortable - even constipated. In fact, if Snotty materialized at that moment and offered to beam him up, I have little doubt that Barack would've rolled the dice on getting out of there with his ass on backwards** and gone for it. After all, there are very few men - none of them straight, and none of them candidates for the U.S. presidency - who want to be publicly associated with an actor whose sole contribution to the media-given moniker he shares with his girlfriend are the first three letters: Bra. The Obameter did effect a slight recovery when Obama qualified his familial connection to Brad as "distant".
2. "Sexy." Barbara Walters tells Barack: "We find you very sexy looking." Sexy looking?! Really, Barbara? Who do you have back there in your writers' room -- a Thai hooker? Why not offer him some lady bar hotel sex and call it a day? At this point, the jungle drums started to beat in Barack's big ears. Turns out female viewers were also turned off by this line of talk; the Obameter went asystolic and never recovered.
   

THE McCAIN-O-METER

The following word sunk McCain's battleship:

1. "Slavery." Whoopie asked McCain to explain the reasons behind his strict constructionist approach to the U.S. Constitution. McCain replied that our forefathers were strict constructionists, and he believes we should follow their lead. At this point, the McCainometer was relatively stable. Until -- Whoopie, speaking with the voice of Mercedes McCambridge, projectile-vomited all over McCain with the question of whether she should be worried about the return of SLAVERY. Slavery. She might as well have screamed "COCK!" at a Catholic mass. Well, we don't even need to glance at the McCainometer to know where this one went. Flatline.

The Luntz segment on The O'Reilly Factor was relatively brief, leaving us with so many questions. With that in mind, TDD asks: what words do YOU think the vice presidential candidates should steer clear of in tonight's debate? To offer your own suggestions, click here.
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*("That's what SHE said.")

**(Note: In Spaceballs, President Skroob's head - not his ass - is the body part that is facing backwards after Skroob, at the urging of the obviously-biased Commanderette Zircon, allows Snotty to beam him into the next room. However, it is the line President Skroob delivers as he stares down at what was once his backside - "Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was this big?" - that inspired TDD to take liberties with its characterization of the risks Obama might face if he were, in fact, to subject himself to the beaming process.)

(Image via Globalpunditorg.)