Over 15 bear-related incidents have been reported in the state of Colorado since May, prompting officials to declare this year's bear season the worst in over ten years.

Or is it?

While some Coloradoans are calling for a reduction in the bear population and others blame fellow high country residents for failing to take adequate bear precautions, another group has stepped forward to tell a different side of the story: the bears themselves.  And they are not happy.

"Look, I'm not saying we didn't do any of it," said a spokesman for the bear community, who chose to remain anonymous (in part because he has no name).  Flipping through a list of recent headlines, the bear growled and defecated - significantly - on the ground.  "'Pepsi-Craving Bear Breaks Into Beaver Creek Bar?' 'Bear Breaks Into Home For Biscotti?' 'Former Anchor's Cookies Attract Second Bear?'  Are you shitting me?"

When asked to speculate on the actual perpetrator of these and other food-related offenses, the bear cited the burgeoning stoner population comprised of off-season ski instructors and idle college kids on summer vacation.  "When a bear breaks into a home, he eats your face. He doesn't f--k around with pop and biscotti," he stated.

"Nope. That's got stoner written all over it."

The bear's tone became more contrite when he acknowledged his species' responsibility for a handful of the incidents reported.  "'Woman Slashed In Unprovoked Bear Attack' ... 'Bear Breaks Into Home, Terrorizes Family' ... 'Woman Attacked, Killed By Bear' ... 'Bears Smell Dinner, Take Bite of Harley' ... yep, those were ours."

"Sorry about the violence.  And the hog," he added.

But the bear also pointed out that many of the bear-related incidents were neutral or even humorous.  "'Boulder Man Watching TV Didn't Know Bear Was Inside House.'  That's kinda funny," he observed, pissing audibly.  Another article, 'Bouncing Bear Breaks Trampoline', drew unexpected chuckles from the bear.  "That was actually me," he admitted sheepishly (for a bear).

The most recent bear sighting occurred on August 26 in the Colorado ski resort town of Snowmass, where a bear became trapped in a sunken skateboard park and climbed a ladder to safety.  When told that officials from the Parks and Recreation Department had placed the ladder there to facilitate the rescue, the bear expressed optimism about the future of human-bear relations.

"Hearing a report like that makes me feel good about not slicing your stomach open with my claws and devouring your intestines," the bear mused.  "What - not cool?"

Starting today, the Sears Tower will henceforth be known as "Willis Tower".

In fact, if anyone out there from "Willis" is reading this: we fart in your general direction. And that building you paid millions of dollars to get your name on? We're still calling it the Sears Tower. So there.

For approximately $23 billion - or 3% of what it will cost to bail out our economy - candy behemoth Mars Inc. has closed a deal to acquire Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co., the Chicago-based purveyor of cardboard-tasting stick gum.

Now, there's nothing inherently funny about a candy company buying a gum company -- trust me, I've tried to find something -- but what is funny is Cnn.com's coverage of the announcement. Join me in mocking the eminently mockable:

1. PHOTO

The CNN article is accompanied by the photo at left, in which a pack of Wrigley's and a pack of Orbit are shown nestled in a pile of M&Ms like two toddlers in the plastic balls at Chuck E. Cheese. Those packs of chewing gum look like they never had it so good. And in case the photo might strike the average reader as in any way unclear or ambiguous as to subject or implication, the photo is flanked by the following caption: "Wrigley's Big Red and Orbit chewing gums are shown with M&Ms."

Stand down, Captain Obvious! But, if I may, the caption isn't the best part of the photo. The best part of the photo is thinking about the fact that the Associated Press, upon the announcement of the Mars-Wrigley acquisition, scurried to find a relevant image to accompany its article -- and this is what they came up with.

I wonder if there was any in-fighting among the folks at AP or CNN as to which products to display in the photograph. Was there even the tiniest contingent pulling for a sprinkling of Skittles among the M&Ms? Did an alternate version circulate in which a Mars Bar and a pack of Wrigley's Spearmint stood opposed, Face/Off style, in a sea of red Starburst? These are mysteries about which we can never really know.

The Associated Press school of illustration does lend itself to provocative speculation as to how other mergers might be photographically represented.
Exxon Mobil and Conagra? Chef Boyardee with an oil mustache.
Barnes & Noble and McDonalds? A fat person reading.
Proctor & Gamble and Heinz? Diapers filled with ketchup.

Read on:

2. ARTICLE

Under the headline "Mars, Wrigley create candy giant," the article states:

The deal brings together household names: Wrigley, a landmark in Chicago where the company began in 1891, and Mars, the privately held maker of Snickers and Skittles and M&Ms -- the candy-coated chocolates that are the world's best-selling chocolate candy brand.

One is, of course, whether the term "M&Ms" requires definition. From where I stand, anyone who doesn't know what an M&M is should be permanently left in the dark - possibly even left for dead. Such a person deserves neither an explanation nor a vote in the upcoming election.

My second question is: how can M&Ms be the best-selling candy brand in the world? I mean, is there some kind of M&Ms surplus, a la corn? Are thousands of silos throughout the Midwest silently teaming with M&Ms that we just have to unload on the world market in order to serve the inexplicable end of keeping the M&M crop afloat? Because, let's face it (together, in this time of crisis): M&Ms suck. Twix blows doors on M&Ms every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Even a stale, dusty old Twix pulled from the armpit of a convenience store with no air conditioning is better than the best M&M that ever was. But it's not hard to kick the crap out of M&Ms. Almost every candy does -- with the exception of Smarties, Pez, and Mounds.

In all fairness, I should address my gripe to the people who actually buy M&Ms, and not the poor hapless writer covering the sugar beat for the Associated Press. It's not nameless, faceless his/her fault that shitty old M&Ms make their mediocre way into more households around the world than any other candy.

Though -- not to beat a dead horse, but -- I haven't been so disappointed in consumer choices since Orange County Register readers voted The Olive Garden the number one Italian restaurant in Orange County. That I no longer live in Orange County is not a coincidence.

(To read the original CNN article, click here)