Madonna & Guy: the Jig is Up

Madonna and her bitch, Guy Ritchie, "are to divorce," The Sun reports.

In the next few minutes, Madonna and Guy are expected to release a statement containing the following confession: "We can't bear to live with the pretense any longer!"

Pretense? Honey, you couldn't act your way out of a paper bag. You wish there was a pretense. Actually, it's more of a relief to us, your putative fans -- we couldn't bear to live with the pretense either!

Someone should really check the metadata on that statement -- it was probably written two years ago.

Finally, I am conducting a vote: which of the following Madonna monikers is the most disgusting to you:

• The Material Girl
• The Material Mom
• Esther

Click here to answer.