Last night I had this terrible dream . . .

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On last night's Factor, Bill O'Reilly hosted Frank Luntz, self-professed communications expert and author of Words that Work. Luntz ran a tape of McCain and Obama's visits to that bastion of integrity and critical thinking, The View. An undulating line at the bottom of the screen (much like a heart monitor) showed the rise and fall of female viewers' opinions of each candidate over the course of his time with Barbara, Whoopie, Elisabeth, Joy, and that other lady whose name always escapes me.

Let's take a look at the results:

THE OBAM-METER

The following words made Obama's stock plummet:

1. "Brad Pitt." It started when Joy Behar, twirling her hair and leaning precariously close (with the journalistic reserve of a 12-year-old girl talking to a Jonas Brother), asked Obama if Brad Pitt is really his cousin. No sooner had "Brad Pitt" left her mouth*, when the Obameter made like Greg Louganis and took a dive. Obama, to his credit, looked extremely uncomfortable - even constipated. In fact, if Snotty materialized at that moment and offered to beam him up, I have little doubt that Barack would've rolled the dice on getting out of there with his ass on backwards** and gone for it. After all, there are very few men - none of them straight, and none of them candidates for the U.S. presidency - who want to be publicly associated with an actor whose sole contribution to the media-given moniker he shares with his girlfriend are the first three letters: Bra. The Obameter did effect a slight recovery when Obama qualified his familial connection to Brad as "distant".

2. "Sexy." Barbara Walters tells Barack: "We find you very sexy looking." Sexy looking?! Really, Barbara? Who do you have back there in your writers' room -- a Thai hooker? Why not offer him some lady bar hotel sex and call it a day? At this point, the jungle drums started to beat in Barack's big ears. Turns out female viewers were also turned off by this line of talk; the Obameter went asystolic and never recovered.
   

THE McCAIN-O-METER

The following word sunk McCain's battleship:

1. "Slavery." Whoopie asked McCain to explain the reasons behind his strict constructionist approach to the U.S. Constitution. McCain replied that our forefathers were strict constructionists, and he believes we should follow their lead. At this point, the McCainometer was relatively stable. Until -- Whoopie, speaking with the voice of Mercedes McCambridge, projectile-vomited all over McCain with the question of whether she should be worried about the return of SLAVERY. Slavery. She might as well have screamed "COCK!" at a Catholic mass. Well, we don't even need to glance at the McCainometer to know where this one went. Flatline.

The Luntz segment on The O'Reilly Factor was relatively brief, leaving us with so many questions. With that in mind, TDD asks: what words do YOU think the vice presidential candidates should steer clear of in tonight's debate? To offer your own suggestions, click here.
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*("That's what SHE said.")

**(Note: In Spaceballs, President Skroob's head - not his ass - is the body part that is facing backwards after Skroob, at the urging of the obviously-biased Commanderette Zircon, allows Snotty to beam him into the next room. However, it is the line President Skroob delivers as he stares down at what was once his backside - "Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was this big?" - that inspired TDD to take liberties with its characterization of the risks Obama might face if he were, in fact, to subject himself to the beaming process.)

(Image via Globalpunditorg.)

In tonight's debate, the candidates fired off farty vernacular (pork barrel) and dropped buzz words (earmark) in a triumph of political circle-talk (which, unlike the other circle hyphenate, does not contain a happy ending).

(Photo by Scott Beale/Laughing Squid)

There were many great moments, but TDD has culled the list down to these FIVE favorites.
So now, without further a-doo:

1. Tolly-bon, Pock-ee-stan, Waziristan
The candidates used a combined five million syllables over the course of the debate, culminating in an Ahmadinejad showdown of epic proportions (Obama won). Many Americans have praised the candidates' willingness to pronounce the unpronounceable and remember the unrememberable (Waziristan?). Meanwhile, in a show of post-Houshmandzadeh sour grapes, sportscasters and football fans are wondering aloud what all of the hoopla's about.

2. Bracelet v. Bracelet
McCain shyly confessed -- for the 15th time, on TV -- that he wears a bracelet containing the name of a young man who died in Iraq. Not to be outdone, Obama revealed that he, too, wears a bracelet in memory of a young male soldier. I know Captain Obvious is reporting in for duty here, but doesn't this all sound a bit, well, gay? The presidential candidates are having a pissing contest about their bracelets? Shit, let's get Heidi Klum in here to settle this one and call it a night.

3. American Flag Pin
Obama has been dining on doo over his previous refusal to wear a cheap ugly American flag pin. Tonight, Obama proudly displayed said pin on his left lapel, over the heart. This tells the people that Obama loves America so much that he's willing to show it with flair. Early polls indicate confusion over the provenance of said pin, with 9 out of 10 hockey moms considering a switch to Obama if the pin turns out to be a gift from a dead soldier's mother.

4. Earmarks
No one wants to be associated with earmarks. Earmarks are the new Lockbox. Which is to say that they are at once bad, funny, and never to be mentioned again (outside of SNL).

5. Spain!!?
Obama characterizes McCain as a nervous diaper who may or may not be willing to "sit down" with the president of Spain. Spain??!? The country has been suffering from the sovereign equivalent of impotence for 500 years. My fellow Americans, this is embarrassing -- they don't even have tortilla chips. Let's move on.

6. $3 Million Dollars to Study the DNA of Bears in Montana
In all fairness, we don't know anything about this project. It could be the key to curing cancer . . . in cats.