Bears Deny Responsibility For Recent Incidents; "It Was The Stoners," Bear Leaders Say

Over 15 bear-related incidents have been reported in the state of Colorado since May, prompting officials to declare this year's bear season the worst in over ten years.

Or is it?

While some Coloradoans are calling for a reduction in the bear population and others blame fellow high country residents for failing to take adequate bear precautions, another group has stepped forward to tell a different side of the story: the bears themselves.  And they are not happy.

"Look, I'm not saying we didn't do any of it," said a spokesman for the bear community, who chose to remain anonymous (in part because he has no name).  Flipping through a list of recent headlines, the bear growled and defecated - significantly - on the ground.  "'Pepsi-Craving Bear Breaks Into Beaver Creek Bar?'...'Bear Breaks Into Home For Biscotti?'... 'Former Anchor's Cookies Attract Second Bear?'  Are you shitting me?"

When asked to speculate on the actual perpetrator of these and other food-related offenses, the bear cited the burgeoning stoner population comprised of off-season ski instructors and idle college kids on summer vacation.  "When a bear breaks into a home, he eats your face. He doesn't f--k around with pop and biscotti," he stated.

"Nope. That's got stoner written all over it."

The bear's tone became more contrite when he acknowledged his species' responsibility for a handful of the incidents reported.  "'Woman Slashed In Unprovoked Bear Attack' ... 'Bear Breaks Into Home, Terrorizes Family' ... 'Woman Attacked, Killed By Bear' ... 'Bears Smell Dinner, Take Bite of Harley' ... yep, those were ours."

"Sorry about the violence.  And the hog," he added.

But the bear also pointed out that many of the bear-related incidents were neutral or even humorous.  "'Boulder Man Watching TV Didn't Know Bear Was Inside House.'  That's kinda funny," he observed, pissing audibly. 

Another article, 'Bouncing Bear Breaks Trampoline', drew unexpected chuckles from the bear.  "That was actually me," he admitted sheepishly (for a bear).

The most recent bear sighting occurred on August 26 in the Colorado ski resort town of Snowmass, where a bear became trapped in a sunken skateboard park and climbed a ladder to safety.  When told that officials from the Parks and Recreation Department had placed the ladder there to facilitate the rescue, the bear expressed optimism about the future of human-bear relations.

"Hearing a report like that makes me feel good about not slicing your stomach open with my claws and devouring your intestines," the bear mused.  "What - not cool?"

The Cone Zone (or "Why Me?")

This one goes out to the target marketers at Google, whose advert algorithm delivered a curious link to the margin of my Gmail screen - a link to "the official website from the makers of The Cone". A link to: The Cone Zone.

Exactly how many dirty Gchats did I have to send? How many porn distribution lists did I have to run? How many cocks, clits and quimbys had to show up in my mailbox before I became a likely out-click to purveyors of the pink, "partially penetrative" adult toy (pictured beneath the blasé gentleman at left) that promises to have you "rocking, humping, and gyrating like a slag in a nightclub" ??

The Cone Zone is not shy about tooting its own cone. Per TCZ, purchasing this "adult toy with style" may cause "absent days from work" or an "advert in the paper broadcasting that your family have reported you missing." With so many "serving suggestions" (the  shadowy Times-reader above is just one of the website's graphic illustrations), I can only imagine how many people have packed up their cones and fled south for some warm, secluded locale where the lust between a human and a cone can be, if not accepted, at least tolerated and understood.

In the end, I have to give it to Google - they were right about the clicking habits of La Linguetta. My cone and I are forever grateful.

Update on Fri, May 14, 2010 by La Linguetta

In anticipation of Pride Month, we note that the pink triangle is also a gay rights symbol, though one of grim origin - in Nazi concentration camps, homosexual men were forced to wear an inverted pink triangle (or upside-down cone, if you prefer) to self-identify. Per Wikipedia, pink was traditionally a 'masculine' color (as a derivative of red). Thus, the gay pink triangle was not meant to symbolize the femininity of the wearer; rather, it served as a method of sorting gay men "with their kind" (the Jews wore similar badges in yellow). Wonder if The Cone Zone customers are aware that they're coning themselves to climax on a hard-won symbol of Gay Pride?

Happy Birthday to Us!

The Daily Doo celebrates its first birthday today.

In just one short year, we are proud to have attracted a small but die-hard following of at least 5 people -- not to mention the scores of accidental readers who google "diaper", "Jennifer Love Huge-Tits" or "Scooby Doo" and find themselves on our site.  Thank you all!  As for our Facebook referrals: we salute all the folks who take at least ten seconds to peruse our home page before out-clicking to Perezhilton.com.  You guys are great.

So what can you expect from The Doo's second year?  Our dedicated readers should know the answer to this one: absolutely nothing.  But you can certainly hope for the following:

• exclusive interviews with famous people
• funny videos we found before you did
• invective/sh!t talk about the latest pop culture phenomena
• tips on what not to do, wear, or think 
• steaming hot scatological references
• at least one post that makes at least one reader piss his/her pants - even if just a drop
• at least one post that results in a lucrative writing deal for La Linguetta

Thanks again for reading, and a big fat Happy Birthday to Us!!

"Isn't that Something?"

The power of Christ compels you to laugh at this video.

Where Ass Meets Amtrak: Doo

Last Friday in Laguna Niguel, CA, 200 people assembled "along the chain link fence adjacent the train tracks, across the road from Mugs Away Saloon" to pull down their pants in honor of - wait for it - the 30th Annual Mooning of Amtrak (and 4th Annual Mooning of Metrolink, per moonamtrak.org).

As demonstrated by the photo at left (courtesy of Flickr user 'caveman92223' - though 'Jubala' deserves credit for writing "Nice set" over the bikini-ed girl's punching bags), the mooning was attended almost solely by white folks who probably gave up a raucous weekend on a houseboat in Lake Havasu (in addition to their dignity) to take part in this bullshit.

Indeed, the unofficial event website lends considerable insight into the mooners' intellectual caliber. Here are a few of the "Frequently Asked Questions":

1. Must I "moon", or can I just watch? No, You can watch.
2. Does It get hot here in July? (LL: This question doesn't even deserve an answer.)

. . . .

6. I'm obese, is it O.K. if I moon? Yes yes, please "moon" with us. We need people like you for the extra high intensity mooning you can provide.
7. Can I decorate my butt? Yes, that's O.K.

8. What happens in the saloon? (LL: See previous comment.)

Citing a newly-enacted ordinance banning public drinking and public urination at the event, local law enforcement officials were proud to report that no drunks participated in this year's caged ham salute. (Yeah, right, and I'm Cyndi Lauper.)

Speaking of the cops: a couple of Laguna Niguel's finest turned up on brand-new scooters (see photo at right), thereby upping the day's asshole quotient by at least two.

Heidi Hospitalized For Undisclosed Excuse To Quit Reality Show

Please direct your thoughts and prayers to Heidi Pratt and her contractually obligated loved ones.

Last night, reports surfaced that Pratt was rushed to a Costa Rican hospital for an undisclosed excuse to leave her job with reality show "I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here". With bated breath we await news of the waxy starlet's recovery, scheduled to be announced at least 12 hours after her name tops the list of Twitter trending topics.

We look forward to seeing Mrs. Potato Hooters' cobbled together, synthetic ass back in action soon.

Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus: DOO!

Starring Deborah Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Mega Shark, and . . . Giant Octopus! Watch all the way to the end if you want to see the best thing ever.

Trust us. This is Sharks in Venice-caliber shit.